A few months ago, a new guy joined my team. Let’s call him Felix (my apologies in advance to all the decent Felixes out there). I scheduled an intro 1 on 1. It was standard fare – discussing our backgrounds, how he felt about onboarding so far, etc. Since I was transitioning off my old project, I didn’t really have to interact with him until recently. Spoiler alert: it ain’t good, mama.
When Felix arrives at the office, he makes a scene of it. Think loud ruffling through his backpack, banging stuff around on the desk, as if he’s in a giant rush. The kicker? We’re not exactly curing cancer. Not even remotely. When he finally settles down, the rate at which he cusses from his desk is surprisingly high. It’s not in the funny sitcom way like, “Oh sh**! I’m late, I’m late! Oh nooooo!” Tonality means everything, and the tone and undertones are aggressive with this guy, especially when he drops the F bomb. Interestingly, this behavior magically disappears when he sits by our manager…
In meetings, Felix sighs dramatically when someone else speaks for some time. (But of course, not if that someone is higher up in the hierarchy!) When I say dramatically, I mean literally head back, loud exhale. Try as I might, It’s hard to ignore this unnecessary physical reaction when I’m in the middle of sharing my thoughts.
The worst offense (so far) has to be when Felix lowers his voice, smirks, and speaks ill of others and their ideas. The lowering of the voice signals his awareness of his actions not being fully acceptable. Example: “So-and-so isn’t helpful” – yet, he more than readily uses So-and-so’s expertise to do his own work! It’s infuriating. (For the record, So-and-so has been far more helpful than anyone else I’ve worked with. Four for you, So-and-so! You go, So-and-so!) This type of offense has happened enough times that I have no doubt Felix would do the same to me in my absence, baselessly.
I’m trying to avoid becoming embittered by this experience. No one has the right to negatively affect others’ sense of peace and ability to do work. If you’re in a similar spot, I have some ideas for dealing with toxic coworkers.
| Idea | Confrontational? | Caveat |
| Invest in high-quality headphones / earbuds. (Bonus points if they’re noise cancelling.) Listen to rain or other nature sounds. Such exposure has been shown to improve mental wellness. | No | Rain can cause some to feel anxiety because of associated memories. Experiment with sounds (white noise, birds chirping, etc.) to learn what helps you best relax. |
| Minimize interactions as much as possible with the coworker. For example, try other spots to work. Change who you eat lunch with. This has been the most effective strategy for me. Out of sight, out of mind! | No | Infeasible in small workspaces where rubbing elbows is unavoidable |
| Respectfully counter baseless statements. If So-and-so is helpful, be vocal about it. When someone spreads negativity, you can spread light instead. Others might be inspired by your courage, follow suit, and discourage toxic coworkers from further backbiting. (And I’m sure So-and-so would appreciate you standing up for them!) | Somewhat | |
| Bring up your concerns with the coworker, but be sure to frame the conversation about how their behavior makes you feel. No one can dispute how you feel. | Yes | Only works if the person is amenable to feedback. If not, steer clear of this approach. In the worst case, it can actually embolden them because they get a rise out of realizing their “power” over others. |
| Share concerns with your manager. Any manager worth their salt should be motivated to talk with the toxic coworker about what needs to change, so as to improve overall team morale. | Indirectly | Exception: when your manager is buddy-buddy with the toxic coworker, don’t go this route. Instead, find a mentor or other trustworthy person to confide in. If they’ve been in your shoes, they can offer practical advice. And if that mentor doesn’t exist, open an HR ticket (last resort). |
| Consider switching your team or job altogether. | No | This is truly a last resort, and not one I readily recommend. If someone else causes a problem, the onus should be on them to solve it. However, if you’ve tried all of the above where possible, drastic times may call for drastic measures. |
It’s unfortunate for anyone to have to face a lack of professionalism in the workplace. Just know that you’re not alone. So far, the first three ideas have at least mitigated the issue, so I can begin to focus on work again. I also plan to bring up my concerns with my manager. Let’s see how that goes in a follow up post. Wish me luck – and best of luck to you, if you’re on a similar journey🤞
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